One more joke about an American. One time, there was a leader in Russia who met one of the leaders, maybe a minister of some kind. And then they talked about the economy. Both of the economy ministers met somewhere, maybe in Moscow or New York, who cares. And they talked about both countries. This is not political. It is very funny.
And the Russian minister asked the American minister, “How much do your citizens earn on average every month?” So the American minister said, “Well, about USD 2,000.” I’m not sure now, but at that time, perhaps. “USD 2,000.” And then the Russian minister continued asking, “How much do they spend out of that? How much is the cost of living?” He said, “They would probably spend about 1,200 dollars for everything.” And the Russian minister asked, “And what happened to the 800 dollars that’s left over?” So the American minister said, “Well, that we don’t care. We don’t bother about what they do with it. They take care of it themselves.” So, right.
So then the American finance minister asked the Russian, “And then how about your country? How much does one citizen earn on average every month?” So the minister of finance in Russia said, “Oh, it’s about 800 rubles.” (Rubles.) Rubles, yes. So the American said, “Oh, I see. And how much is the living standard? How much do they have to spend?” So the Russian said, “It’s about 2,000 rubles a month.” So the American minister asked, “What can they do with the 1,200 rubles that is missing?” So the finance minister of Russia said, “Well, that we don’t care about. They take care of themselves.” They don’t care. They also respect the freedom of privacy.
This is not bad. But don’t tell... Oh, it’s OK, it’s free now. We can criticize both countries. Now both of the citizens can freely criticize both countries. No problem now. I think you already heard this story before or not? (Not yet.) Not yet, huh? Have you heard this before? (No.) Oh, OK.
There was a judge who was staring at the newly convicted that has been brought to him, saying, “I have told you before that I don’t want to see you anymore. Last time, I told you that I have had enough of you. I never want to see you here again. Didn’t you understand?” So the convicted said: “Yes, yes, I did, your Honor. That was exactly what I told the policemen, but they didn’t listen! They still brought me here!” God.
Alright, there are two people fighting on the street. So the policemen brought both of them to the judge. And then the judge said, “Shame on you. Shame on both of you. You are both grown up, so big like that, and couldn’t settle private things yourselves. Have to bother me.” So the two of them said, “Yes, sir, that’s exactly what we tried to do until the police interfered.” It’s very good. “We tried to settle down and the police came.”
Alright. There was a teacher of the kindergarten trying to make acquaintance with the students, the new ones, new children. So she asked one of the small girls, “Now then, welcome. How are you?” “Everything’s fine.” OK, OK. And then [she asked], “What does your father do?” And the kid said, “Oh, very simple. He does whatever my mother tells him.” I don’t know what you do at home. Here you do what the Master tells you; at home, you do what your wife tells you. Very, very nice. There are some stories I already told you but it’s also so nice. Just for today.
There was a small boy who told his buddy, “You go alone. You go and play with other people. I cannot go and play with you right now.” So the other boy said, “Why?” And the first boy said, “I have to stay home and help my father to do my homework.”
There was a person who lived until 100 years old. So, of course, he was on television, and in the newspapers and all that. And one of the television journalists, just out of ordinary politeness, told him, “Alright, so goodbye, sir, and I hope to see you again next year, the same, on this program.” So the 100-year-old man said, “Well, I don’t see why not. You look very healthy now.” I don’t know who will see whom.
There were two lovers together. After he took her to see a movie, and he took her to his house and drank tea and all that. And then he told her, “Well, I’m not as rich as Jack Canfield, but I love you with all my beautiful heart. I don’t have a summer yacht like Jack Canfield, and I don’t have a private jet either. And I don’t have a big villa in Beverly Hills, but I love you with all my power that you can imagine.” Alright, then the girl said, “Well, I love you too very much, but please tell me where Jack Canfield lives.”
There was a lady, around 50-something, who went to see the doctor. And so, of course, the forms and questionnaire must be filled in before she could see a particular doctor. The doctor at the desk, must know what kind of sickness she has in order to send her to a particular ward for a special examination. So he asked her everything: where do you live and what do you do, what kind of symptoms you had before, how many children, blah, blah, blah. And later, the last question was, “How old are you?” So she said, “Well, 30.” So the doctor wrote down everything, and besides, he made a footnote: “Also, maybe something’s wrong with her memory, too.”
Two secretaries talked together at lunchtime, and the first one kind of chided the second one, saying, “You always think about money. Money, money, money, every time! Can’t you think about anything else?” Well, the second one, feeling a little bit embarrassed, said, “Well, of course, I think about boys, too. But of course, boys with money.”
One morning, a mother was trying very hard to persuade her son to go to school. So she gave him a very big lecture, thus: “You have to go to school right now.” And the boy said: “No! No, no, no, no, no. I would rather do anything but go to school.” And the boy said, “Nobody in the school likes me. All the teachers don’t like me. And all the students make me fed-up up to here. And the one who drives the bus, he dislikes me very much. And the district chief wants to transfer me to another school. Even the one who stands guard at the door hates me also. Today, I’ve really had enough. I don’t want to go to school.” And the mother said, “You must. You are strong. You are grown up. You have a lot of things you must learn to handle. And then, besides, you have to show everybody that you are a very good leader. Besides, you’re already 42 years old, and you are the principal.” The school principal. Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing? (Forty-two years old.) What? (Forty-two years old.) Yeah. Because you were thinking he was a student. That was a school principal. That’s why the jokes are funny.
There was a girl who rushed out to answer the doorbell. And then there were two men standing there. And she asked them, “What’s the matter?” Why did they want to enter her house? And so they said, “Well, we came to tune your piano.” And the woman said, “But I didn’t call you.” And they said, “But your neighbors did!” She must be a fantastic player like me. Doesn’t even know that it’s out of tune.
There was a teacher who was trying very hard to explain to the children about the Earth’s geography. Like, in Asia, we have tiger(-people). In Africa, we have… (Elephant(-people).) elephant- and giraffe(-people), etc., etc. So, finally, he asked one student, “William, tell me please, where can we find the elephant(-people)? Where can we find the elephant(-people)? Where can we find them?” So, he stood up and said, “Well, I don’t know. Have they been lost?”
There was one person who was dying with his toothache and was crying and whining so much, and he thought he was dying. So his friend asked him, “What’s the matter?” So he said, “Well, my tooth is killing me.” And then he asked his friend, There’s so much pain. Do you know what to do? In your case, what would you do to ease this terrible toothache?” And then the second friend said, “Well, normally, when I have pain of any kind, I would tell my wife and then she would embrace me and then give me a massage and kiss me and then comfort me and then I would feel immediately better and then my pain’s all gone.” So, the first friend said, “Wow, wonderful! Where is she right now?”
Photo Caption: “Every Corner of This Earth Is Beautiful, Tku for Keeping It So!”
